Panicking

Today I wrote the body of an e-mail, the intro and the NSO/ out reach portion of a Basiliea update for the fellowship. I think I am going to have to ask at least 20 people to be in charge of something for NSO before I go to Korea and I don't want to do that till every one is on the same page of where we are going as a fellowship and why we are going there. I might cry if e-board doesn't write me back soon. I know I'm the looser of e-board right now who doesn't have anything to do BUT plan for next year, its just frustrating that we don't have more time in common this summer where we can be working together.

I am also panicking a little bit because in writing about what we are doing for Out Reach next semester, I realized that besides NSO and evangelism training, we got nothing. We didn't get to talk much about Out Reach at Basiliea and I'm afraid that it will be just like last semester. (Now I am crying.) I want to do table tents, and proxe stations, and see people actually sharing with their friends, and having non-Christian friends to share with, and conversational evangelism, and garbage evangelism. Theres so much I want to do but I feel so limited in resources, and I am petrified of asking for help. (Still crying) Thats probably the biggest scar from this last semester. That it seemed like every time I asked for help, the people I asked resented it. Either because of what I was asking them to do or how I was asking them to do it.

So some of that is truth. I have a while to go before I know how best to invite people to serve. But the fact that I kept messing up, and the hurt I might have caused, and the resentment I felt from it in response, is crippling me from moving forward. Especially because 1. I'm not sure how much of this is in my head (just because I perceived resentment doesn't mean it actually exists. Or at least, not in the degree to which I imagine it. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.) and 2. I'm not entirely sure how to do it differently so I don't hurt people and spend the rest of the semester mad and defensive.

I'm so at a loss for what to do.

(This is the point in the blog where I calmed down. Called Matt T, and started crying again. Calmed down again, and gained some clarity on what to do.)

So if you read this blog and you don't know me (or, if you read this blog and you DO know me) you probably think that I take myself too seriously.

I do take my self seriously. And I take IV and e-board stuff seriously as well. I have a youthful zeal to see G-d work on campus through this community of believers that I am a part of.

I will give you the "too" though in the sense that a lot of this is in G-d's hands' not mine, and it would be straight up sinful pride to think that I am/was in control. I think this is just me finally feeling some unresolved frustration hurt and stress from the semester. Frustrated at my inability sometimes to articulate in a way that other people understood why I was doing what I was doing, and hurt by the unbackupedness I felt a lot of the time. I think thats also why I was getting mad so easy. Like a baby who can't say whats wrong, I, who have always been good with words, was at a loss to communicate.

(With the stress part though, sometimes I wonder, how can I not feel stressed? Have you read the great commission?! Okay, so obviously the de-stresser there is the "Lo, I am with you always even till the end of the age." And I love that G-d is with me, but that doesn't make global evangelism less daunting of a task.)


Deep breath.

So, I think I am going to spend the time I would have spent doing Out Reach stuff tomorrow in prayer. (Then maybe I can stop complaining about how little I pray too.) When I start thinking that this is all in my hands and not G-d's probably means that it is time for me to take a break and realize who is really in control. Hopefully I can sort out between legit concerns and unreasonable fears. Then I can give those legit things to G-d, let Him do what He does best, and refuse to be bound by fear.

Tomorrow I am going on a nature walk with Thomas C.. I'm looking forward to talking with him. Not necessarily about this stuff. I just enjoy his company.