Frankly, its creepy.

I guess since it is break, and I don't get to talk to people who aren't Charis or my immediate family, I will start blogging again.

So I just finished New Moon. For those of you not in the know, this is the second of four books in the Twilight saga, a series about a teenage girl, Bella, who falls in love with a vampire, Edward. Edward is beautiful, his body is chiseled, he has super human speed and strength (meaning that he can carry Bella around and give great piggy-backs) he is an amazing musician (composing songs for Bella), and he is oober smart. He protects Bella from harm, he watches her in her sleep (a little staulkerish but whatever) and most of all he is devastatingly in love with Bella. And if I were Bella, I'm not sure I would want to date him. Or at least, theirs isn't exactly a relationship I am going to spend much time fantasizing being in one day. Frankly, its creepy.

Its not the fact he is a vampire, but the intensity of the relationship that is unsettling. All the diologue is like *read to self in annoyed and sarcastic tone* ""oooo I love you." "No! I love you more." "Don't kid your self, I totally love you more." "Why would you ever love me?!" "How could you ever love me?!" "I can't live with out you" "wahhhhhhhn!!! im so in love it hurts!"" They almost NEVER talk about anyone other then themselves, and when they do, its only to be concerned with immediate family. Even when they talk about them selves, the dialog is heavy on how much they love each other and light on anything else about them. It seems so substantialness. So shallow. So inwardly focused and self obsessed. Obviously there are still elements of their relationship and the plot of the book that will keep me reading to the end of the series, but it super reinforcing the idea that a relationship should be a blessing to more then just the two people that are involved. By all means, be in love- enjoy each other! But when thats all you do, all you think about and talk about, gag me with a spoon. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion this is why God made children come from sex. Its like God saying, don't stop loving each other, but don't forget to love other people too!!

Just thought I would share my thoughts and calm any worries y'all might have (knowing my propensity to get lost in love stories) hearing that I'm reading some of the sappiest teen fiction ever put into print.

Control

I might have a really hard time with the fact that e-boards blog isn't my blog. Carrie just wrote the first non-Katy entry, and she only capitalized one word in the title- the second word, and it was all in CAPS.

*Deep breath*

Perhaps this will be a good exercise in not having to control everything.

(You can check out e-board's blog at binghamtonivcf.blogspot.com.)

All about the sabbath (mostly cause I'll copy paste this to use for my healthy habits journal)

So I am interrupting my quite time to write this, because something occurred to me this Sabbath. I think I am trying to be a weekend rest warrior, and trying to get all my rest into one day. And this means that I am not focusing on resting in God, but more on catching up on sleep and play that I don’t get to enjoy during most of the week. I’d like for my Sabbath to be lots of quite time (in the literal and Christianese sense), reading, time in nature, and fellowship. But yesterday, I was so physically tired by Sabbath, that all I did was lie on the floor of Steve and Tom’s place and watch tv and movies.

I think if I want to rest, and not just veg, I am going to have to be better at giving myself breaks through out the week. I'm getting better at setting aside chunks of time for home work, fellowship work, and Korean language development, so now I think I want to put aside some rest time during my days. If I actively rest as opposed to trying to doing hours upon hours of highly distracted work, I'll probably be able to get more done.

My stupid freaking healthy habit journal, Sabbath, and tooth pick crosses

So I'm supposed to take up a healthy habit and keep a daily journal of it for NURS 222. Yeah freaking right. Like I'm going to journal EVERY DAY about some thing. I think I really resent that the nursing program is taking the liberty to make me change how I live AND being so invasive as to make me write about it EVERY day. Screw that.

This entire entry is going into the journal, including what I just said. If they want to know about how I feel about adopting a healthy habit and then writing about it all the time, then they can know how irate I am that they are trying to get so much into my life. For a program that places such an emphases on professionalism and separating your private life from your work, you'd think that they'd let us be good nursing students in class and clinical but who ever we want to be outside.

So my healthy habit is going to be keeping the rest work cycle as laid out in Genesis 1, aka Sabbath keeping. But a part of resting one day is working the other six, so I think that that is what I'll be journaling about for the most part.

Sabbath Update: Last Sunday, my room was spick and span by the time Saturday 7 rolled around, and I didn't do homework or fellowship work till Sunday 6:30ish. Next week I want to do the same things, but add both a quite time (at least 1/2 hour) on Saturday night and on Sunday (again, at least 1/2 hour) before sabbath ends, and I want to subtract spending money. So no shopping on Sabbath. I've decided that that doesn't apply to dinning halls, but no Walmart or online stuff on Sabbath. A part of not working I think should also be not acquiring.

Work Update: So as today isn't sabbath, I should have don't lots of work. But I didn't. I got up later then usual cause I was tired. And after eight and a half hours of classes, I just went over to Sunroot's for dinner and we talked till 11. (God, I love talking with that kid...) Now I'm just trying to get some fellowship stuff done before bed.

I'm okay with not getting lots of work done on Tuesdays. If I can get through all my classes, that seems like work enough. I just wish I didn't have to organize this freaking tabling thing for IV. I love God, but not some of ways I find my self serving Him. I guess its just a toothpick cross I'll have to put in my pocket and let poke me sometimes. (aka 'bearing my cross' on a much, much smaller scale.)

Cognitive activation theory of stress

The theory that instability and stress occur whenever there is a discrepancy between what the person perceives the situation should be and what it is.

(aka- my life)

Sabbath

So today was my second Sabbath of the semester, and I am still doing the very basic- no homework. Next week, I am going to add that it starts Saturday at 7, ends Sunday at 7, and that my room should be clean by the time it starts on Saturday. I am also going to start working on a Sabbath prayer, (something like a kiddush) so I can talk to God about and remind me of all the reasons I celebrate Sabbath in the first place.

Eww

Right now I am at my desk in my room reading my 1800 page nursing text book with only the desk light on because Joanna is trying to pretend thats it isn't 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and is still sleeping. I've decided not to let that bother me. I can do basically anything I want to while she is sleeping, just as long as I do it kind of quietly.

Nursing is an interesting profession but think I am pretty intimidated by the responsibility of it all. I also just realized this morning that I am probably going to be seeing a lot more adult male genitalia before my wedding night, seeing as one of the things coming up in the syllabus is inserting catheters, giving bed baths, and other naked intensive procedures. I'm going to say it here cause I'll get in trouble if I say it in a hospital setting, but eww. Gross, gross, groddy, gross, eww.

I'm glad I got that out of my system.

My week days are a little busy, but Ill try updating on weekends.

Comfort and Chinese

So I am back in the comfort of my home in Troy. And maybe we (my family and I) are too comfortable with each other. I say that because I just got back from the kitchen where one of my brothers was wearing just his tighty whities and a tee-shirt. Maybe its because the only two times I have seen adult male genitalia have been relatively traumatic (once was my brother in a freak pantsing accident, the other was a guy publicly pleasuring himself on the train from Seoul to Anyang) but I would rather my little brothers not be so casual parading their junk around the house.

In my last blog I said I was going to start learning Chinese characters, and right now I probably know a little over 100 (their English meaning, and Korean pronunciation.) Its pretty exhilarating. Sometimes I feel like Lyra reading the Alithiometer in the His Dark Materials series. While some combinations are ingenious; the word "eye under" means now, at present. The character which doubles the character for fire one over the other, "yawm" means flame, bright, brilliant, inflamation, or ...itis. Others however are a little harder to understand, and then I feel like Lyra going through the levels of different meaning in each component of the character to put together a comprehensive meaning. For example, the character for tree combined with the characters for eye and heart is "sang" which means, to think or expect. Combine rain with tree and eye and you get frost (also pronounced sang). I know sometimes characters will have one component to denote pronunciation with another to suggest meaning but neither rain, heart, tree, or eye make are pronounced "sang" which would mean they are all there for meaning, in which case I a little lost. Maybe tree eye makes sang, and I've just forgotten. Any way, I love it. I wonder how hard it would be to learn to speak Chinese if I could already read it? I'm glad my roommate this year is freaking awesome in Chinese (three dialects no less) cause I think I need some help with my calligraphy.

KgtK 13 (the last one): In the gray.

So tonight is my last night in Korea, but I'm going to blog about something I put on a list things to blog about.

So I think I'm not thinking so much in Black and Whites anymore.

Example: My class was together for four hours every day for five weeks and we got to know each other pretty well, and in my case, they saw how hard I studied and how anal I was about attendance and homework. Right before we took exams, our teacher was going over the grading system and the standard is that there are five tests and if you fail one of them you fail all of them. Which sucks for me, because despite my best efforts, I failed both of our practice listening tests. So when I asked our teacher about it, she just looked sorry and said there wasn't anything she could do about it, but my class jumped into action. "Katy, just sit next to me, and I'll make sure you get enough right to pass."

So I immediately said what I always say in situations like these. "Oh, I don't cheat." And its true. But as soon as I said it I felt like a jerk. Were my classmates trying to lie? steal? kill? do anything to harm anyone? No. On the contrary, they saw someone who was working hard but lacked the background in Korean needed to pass an especially challenging listening test, and in a spirit of comradely offered to help me out. Even if I wouldn't cheat, replying with "Oh, I don't cheat." pretentiously taking the moral high ground when all they were trying to do is help is so jerky of me.

I think I have used Christianity as an excuses to say in the Conventional State of Kohlberg's stages of moral development, when really, being in a relationship with Christ, knowing Christ and his teachings, should give me the ability venture into Post Conventional ethics with out going off the handle or using the un-conventionality as an excuse to do things that are wrong.

For example, if I could go back I still wouldn't cheat, but I also would have thanked my classmates for their offer instead of not so subtly judging them for it.

(As an update, I didn't cheat, and I did fail. I actually failed worse on it then on the practices. (36%) On the other hand, I got the second highest score in my class on the writing section. Go figure.)

I think I wrote this tonight cause Flo's comment on my last blog about quite times. To be honest, I probably have had four or five traditional quite times my whole time in Korea. This would usually haunt me. But my spontaneous prayer has been going good, and I've been at such peace with G-d these last couple of weeks (which is a big change from my usually feeling of sourceless (or innumerably sourced) guilt.) So, I don't know what that is about, but I like it. I guess I need to learn to live a little more in the gray.

I go to Costa Rica tomorrow. I'm psyched to see the Bedenkops, but worried about the impending sporean I'm about to start speaking.

Also, heads up to my Chinese friends. I'm about to learn to read Chinese. (I bought a two books on Hanja today.) Not like that will mean much. Just thought you should know.

KtgK 12: Warm fuzzy.

So today I realized I love myself. I love who God created me. We went and tried on makeup at some store, and you know how my eyes are gorgeous after I put eye make up on? (Well, they are.) And my the girl friends I was with kept complementing me. And I realized then, that I don't want to be Korean. I just want to be a white person who really likes Korea, speaks Korean, and knows a lot about it. Which is probably really healthy cause thats all I can really ever be. No more resenting who God created me as. What a warm fuzzy day for me.

So in Korea, weird things are separated by sex. There are separate boys and girls laundry rooms in my building. I was watching these flag dancers/ cheer leaders rehearse today, and even though they were learning the same exact thing, they were broken into guys and girls (and this is college). Also, in the library there are guys and girls lounges, which would make sense if there were bunk beds or something for naps, but its really just a couple of benches and a vending machine. None of these things are wrong bad or inconvenient, just from an American perspective, unnecessary.

And on that note, does anyone have opinions on blog ediquitte and writing about gender specific issues? I find my self often thinking about posting things that I would tell Flo or Jo (or any girl really) in a heart beat, but might be embarrassed if I guy overheard. To me that means I shouldn't blog about it. Any differing opinions?

Brazil?

So, I just got a missions report from some YWAMers in Brazil, and it made me think, Brazil?

Because of my background in Spanish, it wouldn't take very long to learn Portugese, I'm pretty sure there is a sizable Korean community there, and its a country where I could deff use my nursing in a free-clinic like environment.

Right now I'm playing the "Where in the world is God going to use all these random things about me?" game. Brazil makes me go, "hmmmm...."

(But don't ask in a year if I'm still going to Brazil. Its just a thought. A pondering. A mere musing. I still have no clue where G-d might bring me.)

KtgK 11: An adventure.

Yesterday I went on an adventure and found YWAM Seoul. I got there and it was in this apartment like building, so I start going up the stairs and catch a guy on his way to the bathroom. Thats when I realized I had no clue how to express what I was there for in Korean. Oops.

So I made him wait while I found my cell phone and used the Korean English dictionary in it to figure out the word office, and pointed to my self saying "나도 YWAMer 이에요." (I'm a YWAMer too.) I also asked "영어 말한 사람 있어요?" (Is there an English speaking person here?) Real smooth, right?

So I got to speak with one of the YWAMers there in Konglish for about an hour about the base, YWAMs ministries in Seoul and the rest of Korea, and of coarse, who I was and why the heck I was there.

So YWAM in Seoul does a lot of the usual YWAM type things (DTS, Performing Arts, Kings Kids, etc...), but it also acts like InterVarsity in that there is a YWAM staff at almost every university in Seoul doing Carrie-like things. There is even one at Yonsei, but I don't know if I will contact him seeing as I'm only here for another week and a half.

So there are a lot of really cool things about 'YWAM InterVarsity' especially when there are a lot of chapters all in one city. One of them is "Campus Worship" which I went to after I left the base. Its basically like a the large group times in a IV retreat, except there are more people (around 500 when I went, but over 1,000 when school is in its regular session) AND they do it every Thursday. I went and it was VERY very cool. It makes me want to go to real college here.

And thats another thought on my mind. Lets say by the time I graduate college I am functionally fluent in Korean. I could totally do grad work or YWAM schools here. I don't know if thats whats in God's plan for me (but I would love it if it is.)

And that brings me back to this nagging fear that A. I am currently not doing God's will and B. That I will be too afraid to really seek what the heck Gods will is for the future.

I know thats a slippery slope into neon sign desperation, but I know I need to stop and really pray about the next two years and the couple of years after that so I can stop playing a "whats God's will" guessing game. But I am too scared to do it.

Thats a dumb fear cause God is God and Hes not failed me once. I wish that fact would connect more with how I live my life.

On a different note, I think I am going to cut back of my media intake. I think I found myself thinking today that if I don't get a boyfriend soon my heart might just break and stop beating and I will die and be dead like a dead dead thing that is not alive and has no life. I find this type of utter desperation to be unbecoming of a girl/women my age (too old to be so dramatic, too young to be so desperate) so I think I might need to deal with my main reminder of my singledom and retake up my Lenten discipline of no romantic comedy/drama. Being okay with where God has put me know will probably help me figure out where He wants me to go.

You have probably heard me say all of this before (because I know I have said all of this before.) Apparently this is a lesson I am choosing to learn the long way...

This has nothing to do with Korea

I just watched a you tube video of hill song doing "best friend" in a concert or something and I'm pretty sure I got motion sickness just from watching it. I know you can break dance, and dance dance, and hop up and down for Jesus, but if I went to that church, I think I would just be distracted and out of breath for Jesus.

(I'm not criticizing, just questioning if that would be a helpful environment for me to focus on God. I think thats what heaven might look like though (assuming you can't get distracted in heaven.))

(Bix requested the link, so here it is http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=eLeMHfk4zlY)

KgtK 10: I think about these things too much.

My life has settled into a pretty steady rythem, hence the few posts. I am not doing the assinged homework from class, but I am copying my notes everyday and making flashcards and going over (and over and over and over) flashcards which is helping me learn. I am even starting to understand phrases in songs, and lines in drama and movies. Its very exciting. I am trying to do a little IV stuff here and there, and I should be able to get all of it done provided I don't completely vegg every time I am in my room.

Today In class we had to write letters to our parents. I raised my hand and said, "저기요, 우리 부모님이 한국말 못 해요." Or "But, my parents don't speak Korean." I felt like I was announcing to the world that my parents are illiterate. (They aren't. They are actually pretty smart.) So instead I got to write a letter to Sun Young. (I'll e-mail her it when my teacher gives it back with corrections.)

In that letter I wrote that, "After I learn Korean, Korean life will become more fun." (더 재미있어지겠어요.) Now, you'd pretty much have to have taken Korean grammar classes to understand all the different grammar structures that go into that one sentence, but I'm just going to say, that I felt pretty pimp writing it, and even more excited when I got it right.

Tomorrow for class I am giving a speech on my travels and my life as a jun-do-sa (missionary.) Being in Korea has got me all exited for missions again, and for the most random reasons. Writing a speech about it, youtube videos of Burhma, volunteering in a hospital with Paul. I wish G-d would tell me right now where I am going and what I am going to be doing there. (But I am also kind of scared to ask.)

While I could endlessly gush about Korea forever, I think I'll also include in my posts things that I find I am not so fond of. So one thing I don't like about Koreans is that most of them have already been to all the touristy places, and they don't want to go back. I would love to do more touristy things, (or even just museums) but instead Derek and I just go shopping. (We do a LOT of shopping.) Not to say that I don't like shopping. I always enjoy myself. But even though I am more likely then not going to come to Korea again, I wish I could do a little more sight seeing whilst here. (And its not just Derek. I haven't met ONE Korean history/ folk culture enthusiast in the whole program. For real Koreans/ Korea- Americans/ Korean Canadians- where is the love?)

Last story. Today Derek and I were talking about music, which lead to talking about a song (which is in Coffee Prince) which lead to talking about a scene from coffee prince (http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=8UtderC_c00), which lead talking about cuddling. (And when I say we were talking, I really mean I was talking and Derek listening.) So I said what had come to mind when thinking about that scene. That when I am married, and I finally get to cuddle, it only makes sense that I am the little spoon. I am a lady, and hopefully (at 5'3 and 3/4ths) I will marry a guy taller then me. But I am getting so used to being the big spoon with Olson that it might be weird.

Derek thinks I think about these things too much. He is probably right.



PS. Olson is my Teddy Bear. Most people should know that by now because we are pretty close. But giving the context to which I am referring to him, I figure it is better not to leave any doubt.

우정은 한국에 가요 9: 오늘 아침

("맹우정" 한국이름이에요.)

오늘 아침 네시에 일아났어요. 우리 에어컨은 고장이 나은데 방이 너무 더웠어요. 그레서 일증의 TV방에 갔고 여기에서 첬어요.

아흡시에 일어났어요. 안양에 진짜 여행하기 싫었어서, 교회에 안 갔어요. 내 방에 돌아갔고 컴퓨터를 쓰러 짐대에서 앉았어요.

지금, 방짝은 참을 차면서 나한데 핸드폰을 던졌어요.

"어떻게? 어떠게? 미안해요! 야구에 대해서 꿈을 꾸었어요." 라고 말했어요. ㅋㅋㅋㅋ....

오늘도, 숙제를 했고, 드라마를 봤고, "Keeping the Sabbath Wholly"를 읽었어요.

KgtK 8: Shock Value

While theres not much going on in my life right now, my head seems to be working overtime to compensate. Thinking so much got me all emo this morning, and I ended up skipping Tea Kwan Do so I could just have some Katy and Olson time to chill and chat with God. I also took a nap. Then I went out to a tourist market with Derek for some shopping and dinner.

The past couple of times Derek and I have rode the subway, we have gotten some telling looks from hal ahmanis and ajoomas, suspecting that we are a couple. Derek said its just like in Save the Last dance. I agreed, but told him, no matter what kind of looks we get, we are NOT going to make out for shock value.

KgtK 7: What we have already attained.

Two posts in one night. I know, I know...

So, the only Bible I've read in three weeks has been Philippians, and I am stuck on 3:16. "Only let us live up to what we have already attained." What does that mean? I know so freaking much, but very little about how that would apply to the people I am around now.

I'm not sure I know how to be a Christian outside of Christian community. This is probably because we aren't really supposed to be outside of the church, but still. When I'm not a little or big or regular sister in Christ, what am I (to other people)?

I have that verse, and True Story (written by a Korean!) floating around in my mind. I'm trying to do the whole holistic gospel thing (love people, love G-d), but what does that look like when need isn't obvious, or the obvious need isn't something I can (or other people want me) to meet?
I hope this is a time of preparation, cause I can't think of much else I am doing here, except for fooling around (in a non-sexual way) with Derek. If G-d makes me speaking Korea and Spanish an integral part of my future ministry, I'm going to cry. That would be too good. I didn't ask G-d about learning Korean before I started, and even though I prayed a lot about coming to Korea and felt ok about it, there is still that nagging doubt that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

I also wish NSO would plan itself, cause I really don't feel like answering my e-board e-mails and finishing up with NSO. (Why to NSO when you can go to NRB? (No-Re-Bang (Karaoke)))

I think I'm going to ask Paul if we can do a little English Bible study next time I go to Anyang so at least I'll have some fellowship. And I'll try to get off my kiester soon and do some thorough attending to e-board responsibilities.

KgtK Part 6: Does anyone know why I'm learning Korean?

I really should blog more often, because now I don't know where to start.

If you have been checking my facebook, you know that I have become pretty good friends with this kid name Derek. We basically do everything together. We meet each other during each break between classes, eat lunch, walk to Tea Kwan Do, walk home, meet up for dinner, and study together. When we don't have homework or class, we go shopping and site seeing. This Saturday we are taking a Calligraphy class, and the next we are going on a hike. Its weird cause I don't think I've ever had a friend who I did everything with. That usually isn't my style. Like at summer camp, girls would pair off and do all their activities together, but I was always too independent to be okay with that.

Derek is really cool though. We are very loud and spastic together. Or maybe, I am just my usually spastic self, and he is okay with that. Its nice to not have to worry about toning myself down all the time. We also sing Tegan and Sara songs together. Like, he'll sing, and I'll do the piano parts, or I'll sing and he will do back up. We basically rock.

On the academic level, I feel like my Korean's not getting better. And even though I want to learn Korean more and more, I know less and less why. Does anyone know why I'm learning Korean? If you do, please let me know.

KgtK Part 5: Obsessive

Today I had four hours of Korean class, and then did about six hours of study and home work. I am either Yonsie's most diligent or most obsessive Korean student.

KgtK Part 4: Like in a Movie

So it hasn't been all that bad.

Yesterday. Yesterday I woke up at 6:30 so I could walk and take the subway to Anyang to go to Paul's church again. Beside the fact that I sate through two sermons that I didn't understand didnt keep me from loving it. Theres youth service for us, then we (the youth) help with the Sunday school, then we have lunch, then some free time before the afternoon service (which I dont know if its every week or last week) then snack. There was another service after that, but I wanted to get headed home.

During that free time we played Badmitten, and it turns out that I really like it. I'm in my church clothes just chilling and playing Badmitten with Paul and two of his friends (who are starting to be my friends too:))

Paul's church feels like home.

Today. Today I went to my first class, which was too easy. Ka Na Da La type stuff. So I am going to fight my way to level two (my teacher isnt that enthusiastic about moving me up). Ill be darned if I just review last year for five weeks. I really want to learn new stuff!

Then I met this kid named Derek. Derek is like if Sunroot and Tuttle had a Korean Canadian baby who grew up to be a Tegan and Sara fan. Needless to say, we get along pretty well. We went out to lunch with a group of people. On our way home we stopped at a park and listened to Tegan and Sara and people watched and gave models eyepatches and glasses in a magazine that was laying around. It was like a scene from a movie.

Then when I got home, this kid Charles invited me to see a movie with him. Charles is from California, and grew up in foster care, and is going to a pretty good university on full scholarship, but he acts mad ghetto. He has affectionately nicknamed me "White Girl". He also kind of looks like Boaz. If we fell in love, it would be like in a movie. Proper white girl from the east cost meets Korean gangster kid from the west cost in Korea, and despite what others might think, they fall in love. You might say what "others"? Primarily Carrie. I might be in a place right now where my desire to be in a relationship is only trumped by my fear of having to explain said relationship to the people in my life who care for me spiritually. Its hard being single. Its even harder being single in Korea. I'm pretty sure EVERY ONE has a significant other here. And they were matching tee-shirts to prove it.

But, I don't think Ill fall in love with Charles. I know that the kind of love I'm looking for could only be given and received by a man following Christ. If only my hormones didn't have to kick in before that man gets here...

So we walked the half hour it takes to get to the theater and talked about our lives in Konglish (he wanted me to practice) and watched Kung Fu Panda with some other kids in the program. Now I'm back in my air conditioned dorm dead tired. But I might still do 8 min arms before I go to bed.

KgtK Part 3: I am traped in an Asian frat house

Today, I moved into my dorm at Yonsei. To say that I don't really fit in here is kind of the understatement of the century. The program that I am in is almost exclusivly Korea Americans (I think I am the only full white girl in the program) who are here because they want to drink.

Here are the Asian circles that I am aquanted with. 1. Chinese American Christians 2. Korean American Christians 3. Korean International students who play drums. If you noticed, none of those circles cover gyopo who want to party. What have I gotten myself into?

My roommate is straight up Korean- from Jeju Island, which is great because it means that I will have to practice my Korean with her. And, despite the fact that we don't speak the same language, I probably feel more comfortable with her then some of the other girls. Maybe its like I am traped in an Asian frat house.

I did meet these guys from the other program. (There are 2. One is like a regular summer school, and the other (the one I am in) is KLI- we just study Korean) They turned out to be really cool. We talked at a bar until it got close to my dorm's cerfew, and they made sure I didn't walk by myself. Not only was it good conversation, they were really sweet. I would not mind at all if that became my primary group of friends.

Day 6 and counting of me being in a country where it is legal for me to drink and still I have not. I think I am petrified of it. But this might not be a fear I need to confront right away, and I am having plenty of fun sober, so that count might get a lot longer.

The last three days at PJ's house where so jam packed, I am tempted not to write about it at all of fear I might not do it justice. Maybe Ill just do a story here and there when the mood strikes. Tonight's story is that when I was coming back from Lotte World on the suvway, I started talking to a very good looking 26 year old business man, who told me I was cute. If he had not been so good looking, it probably would have skeezed me out a bit. But he was, so I didn't. Have I said yet that I love this country? Because I do.

KgtK Part 2: I apologize if your aren't Korean

The past two days I have just been hanging out with Paul and his friends, doing what they do. Here are some stories. They are titled with vocabulary words I have been learning. I apologize if you aren't Korean. Not just because not being Korean is something to be sorry about, but also because you might not understand everything written here.

일차, 이차, 삼차.
Last night we went out to dinner with about bunch of elders from Paul's church, then out for 과일 빙수 (flavored shaved ice with fruit) and then went to see the movie 21.

장가가다/ 시집가다.
So, Paul and I are good acquaintances, but we aren't like bff. I just needed a place to stay before the dorms at Yonsei open and Paul was kind enough to oblige. To other people though, it looks like I came half way across the world to visit my "학교 친구" (school friend). So last night at dinner with the elders, Paul had to explain that we are not in fact dating. Also weird was that I wore my Think NK Freedom t-shirt for my airplane ride, and when I got here, Paul was wearing his shirt too. We looked like we were on our honey moon or something. (Korea couples often wear matching clothes- perhaps one of the only aspect of Korean culture that I'm not sure if I want to adapt.")

똥통.
At the ice cream place, the bathrooms were in the ground. Now, I'm pretty chill with most bathroom situation, its just that I wasn't expecting it. Also, I don't think I've ever had to squat indoors before. Afraid of getting pee on my pants (I didn't trust my ability to judge the angle at which it would come out) I just took them off.

반말
So, it turns out that I have the unfortunate habit of using 반말 with elders. I was eating lunch after church with Paul's grandmother and she was counting to ten in several languages. After counting to ten in English, I said "Oh! 잘했어!". She looked and me pointedly and said "요." Realizing my mistake I quickly bowed my head and said "미언아다." Which really didn't help. I also keep saying "응" instead of "네" and forgetting to put "언니, 오빠" after peoples names when they are not around. I am getting better at bowing to practically everyone I see and saying all of 안녕하세요, 안녕히 게세요, 안녕히 가세요 instead of just the casual "언녕" that I am used to from Binghamton.

간호사.
I'll write about this later.

Katy goes to Korea Part 1: Confusion+ nudity= anxiety

I am in Korea. And I am TIRED. I was awake for a good 30 hours yesterdays traveling here. I am staying at Paul's house in Anyang, and will be here till I move to my dorm at Yonsei next Thursday.

So today I have been just tagging along with Paul, and this morning we went to a 찜질방, a sauna or public bath. It was quite the experience.

So first, is that in the bath part of the bath house, there is an exceptional amount of nudity. The baths were on the floor beneath the locker room, and it was set up in a big square with a waterfall in the middle, and open showers and swimming pool like baths at different temperatures on the sides. I realized when the towel they gave me was the size of a hand towel, that there really wasn’t a good way to avoid complete nakedness. At first that made me super uncomfortable, but I think I made the conscience decision that if the people around me didn’t think it was a big deal that we were all naked, I wasn’t going to either.

At least I tried. It did make it weird though that I was the only naked non-Korean. A, I’m sure I was the first naked white person some of them had ever seen. B, I had no idea what I was doing. In the women’s area, I didn’t have Paul there to help me make sense of everything, so I spent most of the time confused, and for me confusion+ nudity= anxiety. For example, I couldn’t find the stairs down to the baths because I didn’t understand any of the signs, so for five minuets I walked in circles around the locker room, too self conscience of my Korean and nakedness to ask for directions.

Second, did you know that you change into the uniform and go the sauna in the co-ed area before you go to the baths? Well, I didn’t either. I realize now the lady must have thought I was crazy when I showed up squeaky clean to ask for a uniform to go the sauna so I could sweat a lot. Poor Paul and his friend also had to wait forever for me too. Oops! Well, now I know…

Third, I love찜질방 and want to go often. Even with the succession of embarrassing mistakes I enjoyed myself today. Now that I have a better handle on what to do, I can see my self enjoying it even more in the future. Just chilling in the raw (as Sunroot would say) and pampering your self. I could get used to that…

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So, when I was defending kdrama yesterday, I was defending it more to my self then anyone else. I think I am going to go on another, perhaps longer term noise fast. I am way too distracted for any hope of real discipleship and progress in my walk with G-d.

I already don't have an ipod. I wonder how my life and especially my prayer life would be different if I didn't go from radio to book on tape to audio seminar/ preaching to you tube to kdrama back to you tube from the moment i wake up till (sometimes literally) the moment I go to sleep. Even though I'm not sure I will like it, I think my minds in need for some peace and quite.

Funny enough it was my book on tape that helped me realize this. It was talking about getting lost in the beauty of something, and how when you get lost in it, its timless. Like a morsel of eternity. And I was like, hmmm... if you get so caught up in it, how will you ever know if Jung-sook and Hyuk-Joon end up in love? Or listen to the next great song on the play list? That and the fact that the still small voice doesn't have a chance in a competition against Tegan and Sara make me think no noise is in need.

So shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... its time for me and my surroundings to be quite.

Yesterday

I'm watching the korean drama Sweet 18 and its about two people who are in an arranged marriage and fall in love. After their first fight (husband trying too quickly to get her into bed) he gives her a gift. He gives her a real gift but he also says something like "I'm giving you my time as a gift. And my patience. I will wait for you and not pressure you." After a fight caused by his self-centeredness, he gives her his selfishness. And theater tickets.

Now thats a husband.

Also, I feel like thats how things should work with G-d. I don't do what I'm supposed to because of sloth. So, I give G-d my lazyness, and also something practical. Like by doing what ever I was supposed to do in the first place. Or maybe some sort of fast, or time in worship. Giving Him something He would enjoy and delight in.

See! k-drama isn't all bad. If only I could stop watching love stories and actually be in one :(. I know, I know. A. Let G-d pursue me and be my sweet heart and B. Let G-d write my love story and wait for His timing.

I just wish His timing was yesterday.

I miss

I have spent probably five or six hours in the last two days cleaning my dad's kitchen. People would be surprised how clean I manage to keep my dorm room if the saw the squaller that we live in at my dad's house. I'm surprised no one has died preparing food in that space.

I miss Binghamton.

The e-board Basiliea update went out today. Yay!! But this means no more excuses and for real calling all the people to ask them to be coordinators on Monday. *Pouts.* For Spring NSO all e-board made the calls. It was great, all of us making calls on a different floor or corner of Jojo's house, and after we got an answer, going to the computer to color code yeses, nos, and maybes.

I miss e-board.

I am going to go fold my sister's laundry. We've been getting along pretty well, but it never hurts to do random acts of kindness. I'm kind of hoping one day she will think back to the nice things I've done (Korean drama montage style, when the girl realized that she is actually in love with the guy she has hated up until that point) and realize that I'm not all that bad.

Lots of things swimming in my mind, not all bloggable, so I think Ill just go to laundry folding. Good night.

Mixed day

Today I went on a gorgeous hike with Thomas and my brother drove my car into a truck. So, it was a pretty mixed day.

ps. No one was hurt. Just Solimar (my car's name).

Apparently I'm not even going to try

Today I cleaned my room some, worked on the Basiliea update which *cross my fingers* we can send to the fellowship tomorrow, packed for Korea, and watched So You Think You Can Dance.

In the past couple days as I have been packing for Korea, I realized that apparently I'm not even going to try to be shomer tznius[1] this summer. I packed at least six shirts that were either sleeveless or low cut or both.[2] But for some reasons, I don’t really care.

1. I probably just have higher then necessary standards of modesty. If I think 97° is normal, the 98.6° is a strait up fever. Collar bone to elbows is a standard really only the frum community keeps, and seeing as the communities I am a part of probably don’t even know what “frum” means, it probably hardly matters if I show off my upper arms or clavicle.

2. I am legitimately a little scared of the heat. I have always scoffed at people who use heat as an excuse for immodesty, but seriously, it’s been hot these past couple of days, and I wore a shirt with a looser neckline and it was notably cooler and more comfortable.

3. Koreans tend to be really fashion conscience, and the lower cut shirts I haven’t gotten rid of yet are still around cause I look good in them.

4. I think I’m just so used to no one treating me like a sex object that I doubt if it could actually happen. Modesty is too effective!!! I’m starting to forget the consequences of the alternative.

It will probably only take one conversation of a guy not looking me in the eyes for me to go strait back to my collar bone covering tees and turtle necks- heat and all. But until then, I think I’m going to relax a tad with my tzniusness.

Tomorrow Thomas and I are going for a hike and picnic at the worlds oldest exposed lime surface in Thatcher Park about a half hour away from the WalMart where we meet up. Who is excited? I Am! I am! J

---

[1] Someone who keeps the Jewish laws of modesty. (Although, Florence would already know that.)

[2] And yes, that means I will shave my armpits first.

Mauled

Today I sent my dad off to the summer camp where he works, watched hours of home videos, and walked around the neighborhood with Charis, who just came back from France yesterday.

I'm really tired so all the things I was thinking about writing about I don't think I would do justice to right now. So real quick, I had ANOTHER dream last night. I actually had a couple, but the one I remember is that I was in the woods with two kids with broken legs and a bear was looking at me as if he was going to eat me. So I pointed at two kids on crutches as if to say, "Eat them, not me." Then I ran away while the kids on crutches were mauled by the bear.

I think I am having so many dreams because I've been sleeping on the floor (in the garage or basement where it is cooler) where I am less comfortable and closer to conscientiousness. But I totally suggested a bear eat other kids just so I could save my sorry dream-butt.

Dream-Katy apparently has a really far way to go to Christ likeness.

Too much information

Last night (whist sleeping on the floor of the garage) I almost had a sex dream. I say 'almost', because when it got to the point where I realized that the making out session I was participating was quickly going to lead to sex, I rolled away from him and off the bed, sat up, told him that I was saving myself for marriage and ran back to my room where I started hysterically crying.

Can I just say, props to dream-Katy for showing a considerable amount of self control. It was a pretty big comeback from dream-Katy's recent episode of loosing control of her anger and screaming at her mom. Sure, the fact that I was making out with a guy on a bed is nothing to be proud of- I think thats why I started crying. That and I felt bad for the guy. It was pretty unfair for dream-me to start something I didn't finish.

So, weird things about this dream. 1. I was wearing an old-lady night gown. In real life I wear only exclusively pj pants and over sized tee-shirts. 2. I think I might have been married to the guy I was making out with, but accidentally, or for immigration or something. Like, we were planning a divorce or annulment and I was thinking that there would be another guy out there I would want to “save myself” for. But we must have started falling for each other like in a K-drama. This might have made my "saving myself for marriage" comment a little confusing. It was as if I was popping in on episode 14 or 15 (or 11 if I end up with cancer) of a 16 episode K- drama where I have to decide if I want to stick with the guy I accidentally married because I love him, or if I just love the idea that staying in the relationship meant that I was assured physical intimacy. This confusion was probably the 3rd contributing factor to my hysterical crying. 3. I usually don’t dream a lot, so the fact that I had two dreams in three nights is uncanny.

After I woke up I kept thinking about dream-Katy’s dilemma, so thankful that I was not in fact dream-Katy.

I’m wondering if this blog entry is appropriate, or if its too much information for the internets. And now I’m wondering why I would think it is inappropriate. Its no more explicit then a chewing gum commercial. Maybe I’m just nervous admitting to dreaming about stuff like that. Too bad. I do. If I’m going to blog, its so people can know me better, so there’s no sense in lying by omission. I thought about this dream a lot today. It wouldn’t be true to my content selection to leave it out. (But if you’re a good friend of mine, and you really don’t think it’s a good idea that I posted this, let me know and I’ll take it down.)

I have blogged every day for a week now. I would call it an addiction, except I don’t think it’s unhealthy. I like the idea of having something to go back to and read and that makes me a little more 3d to others.

"In the garage" -Weezer

I am sleeping in my dad's garage tonight. Its cooler, so I don't have to run the fan.

I had a dream

Last night I had a dream that my mom ruined NSO and I screamed at her, and Frank left the fellowship because he didn't trust Christians who were that mean to their parents. Its like the time I had a dream I was pregnant with my 3rd child at 18 and lamented how I was such a shame to the gospel. Wow I used to be 18. I feel so old.

Any way there are several things wrong with this dream. 1. my mom can't ruin NSO, thats just silly 2. even if she did, I don't think I'd scream at her like I was doing. I'm not as angry as I used to be, and even then, screaming at my mom? thats extreme and 3. what was Frank doing in Troy?

After I woke up I stayed in bed for a while, cause I didn't want to go downstairs and be mad at my mom for something she did in a dream.

Today I drove my brother to his SAT II, went swimming at my pastors house, and spent about two hours studying Korean. The rest of the day I spent lying on my floor watching, Time Between Dog and Wolf. But I did do my qt today! No wait. That was yesterday...

Okay. Quite time, then maybe some more tbdaw and then bed. Church and church picnic tomorrow.

Call it art

I love Tegan and Sara, but the lyrics often are nonsensical. I wish I could be a song writer. Then I could just say things that make no sense and call it art. Or things that only make sense to me and not feel like I have to explain my self. Like playing Taboo with yourself or your bff. But I think I care to much about correct interpretation that I would explain everything and take away the mystery.

Today I organized my pastor Harry's library, took a nap, and went to RCA's (RPI's IV) BBQ with Thomas and a friend from home Nate. Also, today I fasted noise. No radio, tv, youtube, or drama.

I think I fast noise because its just as noticeable as fasting food, but not physically painful. Also, I want to be able to hear G-d, and I'm afraid I might be missing things in all the noise. So today, it was pretty quite.

At the BBQ I got to talk about El Salvador and Salvadorian church culture for almost a half an hour to RCA kids, and I think it was the first time they understood what it was like for their token Salvadorian to be Salvadorian and to go to a white fellowship. Like when Nate, Matt and I schooled some random white kid from New Jersey on Asian American culture in the hot tub at Basiliea. Its weird how color and culture blind us white folk can be. I hope I'm not still that way with cultures I haven't gotten to know yet.

Healing

Today I went on a walk besides the Mohawk River with Thomas. We watched a lock operate, walked, ate a picnic lunch, hurtled, walked, stopped a stop sign, walked, and went home. Sigh. It was beautiful. It smelled beautiful too. (I think my mom thought it was a date though, cause when I came down stairs dressed in my nature walk outfit she said, "Katy, that isn't cute enough!" and subsequently tried to put me in something floral.)

My poor mommy might not have passes her Pharmacy boards. My poor family now has to live with an emotional wreck for the next five- six weeks until the results come in. If she doesn't pass, she will only get half the pay working as a pharm tech until she can take the boards again. This is a disaster. Mom started crying at the dinner table tonight cause she doesn't think we can live on half salary.

On the one hand, my mom has had it really rough. On the other hand, get a grip.

I know I'm just mad because I don't want to see my mom all torn up and worried about money. She worries herself sick and complains about all these things that I have no power to do anything about, so I get mad at the situation and that comes out as being mad at her. Blah! I wish my parents had friends. And that she passes.

So praying. I prayed. (I know, I should get a sticker or something, right?) And the consensus is basically I'm called to what I'm called to and that call is something I can do (with G-d) and more then that is not for me to do. (Sunroot, if you read this, I know that you've been telling me this all along, sorry, I'm a slow learner.) Very calming and reassuring. Also a good push for me to pray as knowing that I can only do so much, I will have to ask G-d to orchestrate the rest.

And for NSO today, like a said, I just prayed. I prayed through the event calender actually. I want free food and friendliness and good programming to be a bonus but real draw to be G-d. G-d drawing people to Himself, and hey! you can get a free s'more on the way.

Thomas and I were talking about how entertainment is the new opiate of the masses now a days. That people haven't asked those big scary fundamental questions of life because oo! look! a Real World marathon!!! I think my prayers boiled down to not smooth logistics but a hunger. And when they see the "Sponsered by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship," that people will be like, "wow, I really need G-d in my life, and I really want to be apart of G-d's life. Christian Fellowship, I'm there!!"

I know thats pretty far from the reality of the situation, but that is why I am praying for it. Silly goose.

I haven't cried since last night, but my body feels like it does during those last sniffles of a good crying session. Maybe this is what healing feels like.

Panicking

Today I wrote the body of an e-mail, the intro and the NSO/ out reach portion of a Basiliea update for the fellowship. I think I am going to have to ask at least 20 people to be in charge of something for NSO before I go to Korea and I don't want to do that till every one is on the same page of where we are going as a fellowship and why we are going there. I might cry if e-board doesn't write me back soon. I know I'm the looser of e-board right now who doesn't have anything to do BUT plan for next year, its just frustrating that we don't have more time in common this summer where we can be working together.

I am also panicking a little bit because in writing about what we are doing for Out Reach next semester, I realized that besides NSO and evangelism training, we got nothing. We didn't get to talk much about Out Reach at Basiliea and I'm afraid that it will be just like last semester. (Now I am crying.) I want to do table tents, and proxe stations, and see people actually sharing with their friends, and having non-Christian friends to share with, and conversational evangelism, and garbage evangelism. Theres so much I want to do but I feel so limited in resources, and I am petrified of asking for help. (Still crying) Thats probably the biggest scar from this last semester. That it seemed like every time I asked for help, the people I asked resented it. Either because of what I was asking them to do or how I was asking them to do it.

So some of that is truth. I have a while to go before I know how best to invite people to serve. But the fact that I kept messing up, and the hurt I might have caused, and the resentment I felt from it in response, is crippling me from moving forward. Especially because 1. I'm not sure how much of this is in my head (just because I perceived resentment doesn't mean it actually exists. Or at least, not in the degree to which I imagine it. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.) and 2. I'm not entirely sure how to do it differently so I don't hurt people and spend the rest of the semester mad and defensive.

I'm so at a loss for what to do.

(This is the point in the blog where I calmed down. Called Matt T, and started crying again. Calmed down again, and gained some clarity on what to do.)

So if you read this blog and you don't know me (or, if you read this blog and you DO know me) you probably think that I take myself too seriously.

I do take my self seriously. And I take IV and e-board stuff seriously as well. I have a youthful zeal to see G-d work on campus through this community of believers that I am a part of.

I will give you the "too" though in the sense that a lot of this is in G-d's hands' not mine, and it would be straight up sinful pride to think that I am/was in control. I think this is just me finally feeling some unresolved frustration hurt and stress from the semester. Frustrated at my inability sometimes to articulate in a way that other people understood why I was doing what I was doing, and hurt by the unbackupedness I felt a lot of the time. I think thats also why I was getting mad so easy. Like a baby who can't say whats wrong, I, who have always been good with words, was at a loss to communicate.

(With the stress part though, sometimes I wonder, how can I not feel stressed? Have you read the great commission?! Okay, so obviously the de-stresser there is the "Lo, I am with you always even till the end of the age." And I love that G-d is with me, but that doesn't make global evangelism less daunting of a task.)


Deep breath.

So, I think I am going to spend the time I would have spent doing Out Reach stuff tomorrow in prayer. (Then maybe I can stop complaining about how little I pray too.) When I start thinking that this is all in my hands and not G-d's probably means that it is time for me to take a break and realize who is really in control. Hopefully I can sort out between legit concerns and unreasonable fears. Then I can give those legit things to G-d, let Him do what He does best, and refuse to be bound by fear.

Tomorrow I am going on a nature walk with Thomas C.. I'm looking forward to talking with him. Not necessarily about this stuff. I just enjoy his company.

Urgent

Yesterday I wrote instructions for movie night coordinators. Today I made the poster for walking tours and went through my e-board e-mails to make sure I had responded to every thing. Poor e-board got like 10 e-mails from me in the past two days. Poor Katy has gotten no responses.

Its hard to retain a sense of urgency in regards to our call to reconciliation and restoration when I spend most of my day at home, by my self. Don't get me wrong, I like being home, and I appreciate solidarity, but I know I'm/ we are called to more. But I feel like I'd be creating unnecessary emotional conflict if I get my self all passionate about issues I'm not in position to do anything about.

For example, I could start crying about China or Burma, but I don't have any money, so it would be a waste to become invested in something I can't do anything about.

The obvious answer is prayer. I'm no good at praying. Maybe this is a chance to get better at it. I will probably need some help though.

This is probably also the reason I don't mind spending a lot of time on NSO. Its something that if done right, advances the kingdom. So I feel like at least for a couple hours a day, I can do something that matters.

Why I feel like if I don't have money to give to help China and Burma means I'm useless to them, and that most other things besides planning NSO seem like a waste of time probably means my priorities and paradigm a little off. I'm arguing in my head about this, because I know both sides. I still think I'm a little right. But I probably need to reevaluate, because I don't think G-d intends for us to take a brake from caring, and if He calls us out of apathy, its probably for good reason (even if I'm on summer break.) Maybe that will be in a blog to come.

"I was married" - T&S

Charis and I talked today and admitted to each other that we would make great lesbians. Partially because of our tastes in music and fashion, and partially because of are lack of luck with the men (or in my case, strait up lack of men). We would also make a great married couple. (Minus sex. In Charis' words, "grodie") But, maybe thats what being good friend is... I always wondered when I was at Emma what the difference was between best friends and girl friends, and the physical seems to be one of the only differentiating factors.

Today I went to Melissa's best friends wedding, and the groom started to cry as the bride was walking down the isle. I love that image and want to keep it forever.

I also realized during the service, that if I were to marry one of my last several crushes, I would have to have a bilingual wedding cause either he or his family didn't speak English (or at least, not well). I think that would be super cool- very fitting for me- but it would probably take forever. Oh well! Ill have paid a lot for that dress, so I might as well wear it for a while.

Freaking A

Today I wrote all of the instructions for S'more Night Team Leaders. But I didn't pray. I need to quit doing that.

Today Dad and I talked about marriage while cleaning the kitchen. Obviously its on my mind, but apparently its on my dad's mind too, and I don't know how I feel about that. Half of me was so happy to see him happy talking about starting dating and looking again for love. I know my dad is lonely. The other half of me though is like "Freeking A!" I don't think '3rd times the charm' is supposed to apply to marriage! If he wants to be married again, maybe he should work things out with the wife hes got now! For real! I struggle wondering if there is hope for them. I don't want to doubt Christs ability to reconcile, but on the other hand, (if there is an other hand) I feel like if my parents were going to let Christ bring reconciliation, they would have done so a long time ago. (I think its been 11 years sense they first got separated.)

I need to pray but for some reason am avoiding G-d like the plague. I don't feel especially sinny, but why else would I be hiding? Ok. Enough blogging. I'm going to go talk to G-d.

Taking back the snow

The Moving Out post was really from yesterday, and I put it up on a xanga that I made, but I realized that more of the folks I knew were on Blogspot, so I changed.

So we had a snow day Spring '08 on the same day of our GIM. I was devastated. We had put so much work into NSO and publicity for that date, and I had the crushing realization that all of our publicity had to be re-done and that we would have to restructure all of our follow up from the weeks NSO events. So e-board got together to figure out what to do.

While everyone else was coming up with ideas and suggestions, the best I had to offer was that we could pray and ask G-d to take the snow back, or turn back time so that it had never snowed at all.

Instead of having to deal with if its ok that I am moving out of my dads, I'd rather my parents had never been separated, or at least, that they would get back together.

(Thats what the last line in Moving Out was about)

Moving Out

So today, I moved out of my dads house. Coming to an end in the argument we were having about where he puts my mail that comes to his house he said, "On another kind of serious note (aka, while we are still mad at each other) you don't sleep here any more. Are you planning on living here from now on?" And I said, "No." So I am going to move my stuff out so he can make it into a guest room.

I know he understands. Melissa doesn't have a room at mom's house. And I make a point of spending time with my dad. I like talking with him and being with him. (At least most of the time.) But I hate how there is TV, TV, and more TV when we are at his place. I am pretty sure TV is evil. Or at least it certainly allows for evil (or lack of good by enabling inaction.) And there is seemingly no escape. And I don't even like the shows. Do I use Kdrama as an escape sometimes? sure! At the very least though, I enjoy it.

But really, I think TV is the side issue. Here is a question. There is little interaction with my dad when all we do is watch TV, but there is no interaction when I am not even there. What a good trade off for time "wasted" for getting to spend time with oori apa?

Thats probably a side issue too. Maybe the main thing is I told my dad tonight, 2 years before I needed to, that I wasnt going to/ dont want to live with him any more. And I am sad that was a decision I had to make, and I am sad how it might affect him, and I'm wondering if it was selfish of me to disregard his feelings because I like the comfort of my moms house so much.

I wish G-d would take back the snow.